


As for me... Goodbye

by angelfiregirl80



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:29:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5205944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelfiregirl80/pseuds/angelfiregirl80
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even in death, John is in Sherlock's mind</p>
            </blockquote>





	As for me... Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry!

You could survive my fall, I couldn’t ever survive yours, See? That’s the difference between your love for me and my love for you. You CAN be without me, learn to be without me, live without me, but I… I just can’t, you are the life of me… That’s why, in the end, you could choose her. You’ve made your choices, I’ve made mine. I chose you long ago, and even in my “death” you could never choose me.  You even asked me not the be death, and there I was, watching over you, without you even noticing, taking care of you, keeping you alive, and you still chose her…

When you shot the cabbie I thought I had you, but you decidedly, hurtfully, kept on dating, I had to find ways to keep you by my side, accepting your words, your looks, your escapades, I had to get used to you absence, walking to your room to fill my lungs with you, and going back down to wait for you, the real you. I really thought you loved me, or at least that you cared, I made myself believe that your tantrums were a product of your love.

When I came back, sure I didn’t expect a hug or a kiss, or even a smile, but a hit? Three hits? I was hurting, physically, and you didn´t even noticed, your anger was stronger than your so called “love”, you were frustrated, and hurt, but never asked how I felt, I had to pretend we were about to be blown up to get you to forgive me, and even then, you didn’t truly forgive me, no matter how much you stated that you “cared” for me, that you “loved” me.

Are you sure you “love” me? I died for you, because the very thought of you dying was unbearable to me. You think you are the only one who had to wait two years? And now I come back, TO YOU, I even beat death to be with you, to save you, because I do, in fact, love you, but in the end, you chose her, you “love” me, but you chose her. I even killed a man for the both of you, and you still don’t get it, you still left me.

I can’t believe the one hug you gave was at your wedding day

You’ve become a permanent resident at my mind palace, MY mind palace, the one place that used to belong to me, and only me, your name, your face, your entire being are there, every way, in every thought, I may not remember the solar system, but I do remember every smile, every little detail of your face, your hands, your slight touch, the sole idea of you being in danger, of you dying because I wasn’t there was enough for me to breathe again, to CHOOSE YOU AGAIN, to come back, once more, to protect you, and still, once given the choice, again, you chose her.

I guess in the end you took what you needed to become what in the end you are, and now you have a new thrill, a new battle ground, I’m no longer needed, no longer wanted, loved, but not enough to be the chosen one. I guess I can die now, I guess I should let go now. There’s nothing left to fight for, the battle, no, the war, is lost. I see you, looking into my eyes, trying to breathe for me, beating me up, begging me to stay, to not leave you alone, saying things such as “I love you”, “Don´t you dare die on me, you selfish bastard” “I need you” “How could you to this to me?”

But I’m long gone, I’ve been gone since the day you made your choice, surviving on the brief moments you wanted to share with me. Being there for you as you needed, living for the sake of your life, dying every day, just a little more every day, watching every day how you felt happy with your choice. All the time, every time, every single time, it was YOU, and you call me “selfish bastard”? I haven’t done anything TO you, but to keep you safe, close and in my heart, you made your choice, and you left me, who’s the “selfish bastard” now?

You live, and go on living, searching rushes, any one, anybody, can give you the rush to keep on living, you have endless ways to keep on living, even if you deny yourself the right to feel alive, but me? I live for the rush of living, knowing it might end any time, any second. The drugs? They gave me the peace I felt with you, they allowed me to breathe without you, yeah; I may have pushed it a little further now, but what’s the point? You made your choice, now let me live, or rather die, by mine.

I wish I could console you, even in my last moments, you are the first thing on my mind, on my heart, on my being, I even wish I could breathe your name one last time, that’s my only regret, not being able to call your name, to tell you how much I love you. Now I bid you goodbye, I’m sure you’ll be able to survive, you’ve made your choice, live with it. As for me… Goodbye


End file.
